Hello darling Flow friends,
Over the last 18 month of creating a blog for you all, while the dialogue in my mind starts hashing out ideas for the framework of the piece, I see the magic and truth that transmits me. We are all a part of the great ocean of consciousness and what effects one, effects all, so my hope in todays article is to share the truth of what has been underlying my thoughts and observations of life, and in the divulging of my thought process perhaps you recognise yourself in me, therefore seeing that what you think and feel is ultimately shared, and valid.
I am have now been teaching for 20 years, I found my original teacher training certificate the other day, I thought I completed the course in 2004, but there it was an under estimate and indeed it was 2003.
I had a flashback to myself at the tender age of 23, embarking on a 2 month transformation in Bali, a pilgrimage in every way, there was great levelling of my ego that was required, so that I could see myself clearly, be willing to unlearn the principals that had guided me up until that point, and relearn and put in place the yogic values that have served me so well since then.
"For there is assuredly nothing dearer to a man than wisdom, and though age takes much away, it undoubtedly brings us that"
Seeds of illumination
I cast my mind back to that young adventurous, slightly self absorbed version of me, so ready to take on the world, fearless and thirsty to learn and evolve, the things I loved most were surfing and yoga, partying on the weekend with a huge network of friends, and itching to set out and explore the world.
Back then sleeping in $20 a night shacks on the beach, on some remote tropical island with my boyfriend, now husband was the the gold standard.
My yoga was hot and heavy ashtanga, that left me aching and completely exhausted, but this massive exertion of energy was exactly what my 2o something mind and physicality needed as the gateway to unlock and illuminate.
My diet was clean and green, my energy was through the roof, I was lean and light and restless, 40 felt like a lifetime away.
I have always loved to be busy, and during my early 20s I juggled nursing, working in a bar, teaching yoga and study, it was such a fun mix up, and I always felt like I had my feet in two very different worlds, my priority was to be a good teacher and lead by example, often leaving a social event early to get a good night sleep, so that I would be fresh and clear for my Sunday class.
This carefree version of myself started to really get the urge to put down roots, and buying a house was front and centre of my mind in the later part of the 20s, in hind this was the first step to taking on the weight of life, and also the greatest choice we could have made hands down, but at a cost of course as this is the very nature of balance, and as a result my practice began to suffer.
My yoga practice was always my number priority, the absolute conviction that I must get to class x3 a week minimum, was slowly replaced by needing to work more to pay a mortgage, and feeling guilty that I wasn't making more time for yoga.
Travel was still a big part of my day to day dreams and aspirations, and we had some great adventures, but they we shorter and less exotic. My practice was beginning to change too, no longer did I feel the need to squeeze myself into the ridged shapes of the ashtanga series, and I started searching for a more gentle and therapeutic version of yoga.
The ‘more’ came in the form of an insatiable thrust to learn everything I could about the intricacies of the yogic based anatomy, intelligent sequencing and philology.
I had given up nursing and all the other non yoga jobs, and my full focus was now on teaching and massage therapy.
I was teaching sometimes up to 20 classes a week, I was light but always sore, I was tired and my diet started to include meat again after much internal conflict, as I felt so depleted, there was also something else bubbling away in the back my mind, the restlessness had reshaped itself into the desire to be a mother.
"Motherhood is the greatest sacrifice and reward of a lifetime'
Motherhood definatly shook everything up for me, I felt conflicted about wanting to desperately teach and practice more, but time and energy was now at a deficit, my diet changed and I felt sluggish and slow and constantly tired, my body demanded a slower practice, but it felt right also to be steeping into another chapter as devoted Mumma to my beautiful boy.
40 something yogi
It is only really this year that I have started to feel my age, I no longer want the things I craved in my 20s and 30s, I no longer feel the pressure of being light, bouncy and carefree all the time, I get satisfaction from strange simple things now like composing an email with no typos, or leaving the house on time! where before it was the big things that I desired like catching the perfect wave, or holding a perfectly aligned handstand, and of course my practice mirrors this and I just want more peaceful moments, gentle movement and deep connection.
My body has changed along with my mind, I have lines around my eyes, and muscles that used to heave me through strong practice are much softer, but the restlessness has also softened, the chatter is more loving and less reckless, I am more forward thinking, I desire time spent with dear friends, and travel still lights me up, but where I want to go has changed I want, I crave comfortable adventure over unbeaten tracks, as I ease into my mid 40s I am grateful for evolution and wisdom that is infused each year of living, as teacher, I share what I have learned and go much slower but with more love and care.
love the skin your in
Lets celebrate each layer of life for the magic it holds, and the blessings we are surrounded by, let us be organic and intuitive and we grow and change, lets love the skin were in together.
All my love and blessings till next we meet.